Never thought I'd write a 'spiritual' blog!

And I cried. Literally. With tears down rolling down and all that. All this happened within a span of 60 seconds, start to finish! I thought I was the only one (read stupid) but then I saw quite a few others, more teary-eyed than I was. A girl (with Versace glares resting on her forehead), looking in her late 20s weeping animatedly. An old lady, must be 80+ being held by who looked like her sons, wept endlessly. A severely handicapped man was crying but ‘trying’ to smile at the same time, which left me confused. I realised they’re not stupid & well nor am I (er..at least not in this case).

It was all fun & games while in the queue for 1 hour, moving forward at a slow pace. But as soon as I entered the main Sai Baba temple hall in Shirdi, before I realised anything, my eyes were moist. I hardly ‘prayed’; guess subconsciously I was too overwhelmed at just being there. I don’t go to temples often. I am not an atheist and I am not against going to temples but I just don’t! No reason behind it. But let me tell you, I have *NEVER* felt like this in a temple before. IT WAS JUST SOMETHING. After my ’60 seconds’, all I did was notice people. Right from devotees to guards manning/man-handling people & priests collecting garlands, etc. from people and just throwing it on the other side. To people from all over the country, wearing all kind of make-up or minus the make-up, I saw them all. Guards would literally push you away as soon as you reached the idol. But there was certain ‘biasness’ towards people who were crying. No one would ask them to move away as long as they wept! Even I hardly noticed the water coming out of my eyes, let alone the policemen, so obviously, I was pushed away. As I kept looking at Sai Baba’s idol from a distance, I said to myself I had to keep coming here. I just had to. And hopefully I will.

Frankly this trip to Shirdi happened because of my mother, she wanted to go there since quite some time but for some reason or the other we would not go. I wanted to take mum there more than I wanted to go. I was more worried that I’ll be missing out on the India versus South Africa Cricket World Cup match! Guess my next trip will have a totally different agenda.

blog 12.11.10

So much has happened since my last blog that I can keep writing on! One habit that I’ve have picked up from nowhere is putting an exclamatory (!) mark after each sentence or even a phrase or a word, weather its on facebook or twitter! Deal with it! Ok..now I am dragging it just for the heck of it.

Do you ever or let’s say have you ever ‘imagined’ how will you die? Well I have and I must confess...have cried over it and that too more than one time. Sometimes it actually feels good imagining it but only if I have died a ‘good’ death like saving a million other lives..or at least one other life. What makes me feel good are its after-effects. The kind of death I hate/would hate is dying in some idiotic accident...and ending up as a small news-item in the left-hand corner of a newspaper the next day. Oh that would suck big time! Death has to grand.

But no seriously...think about it. I mean am sure you must’ve given it a thought at least once and if not, do it! Do these things - Try to help others, try feeding the hungry whenever you can, buy a lesser costly dress and if you can, sponsor a child’s education..may be your maid’s child. The point is do a random act of kindness. It’s a good thing. Although I’ve not done all of the things above for more reasons than one but I shall..whenever I can. People WILL then remember YOU always. But I am being pragmatic here. I normally do not ‘preach’ things I don’t do/can’t do myself. Enough of philosophy.

Anyways, I’ve been thinking what I want ideally. I want a lifetime connection of Worldspace (yes..i still miss it) or lets say unlimited supply of good music, language or genre does not matter at all. It just has to be nice..plain..neat music! By the way, Coke Studio is God. All I keep listening to off late is music from Coke Studio only. Pity, we dont not have *anything* like it. Also, while we are at it..somebody please please bring the 1970’s rock music back or take me there. You know this may sound weird but I visualise this a lot – live the life as depicted in Dire Straits’ song ‘Heavy Fuel’. That song just gets onto me every time I listen to it..which I do almost 3 times everyday! And while we are at *this* one of my another wishes is to live a ‘HIMYM’ life. For the uninitiated, it stands for ‘How I met your mother’. It is a..oh crap..google it! Awesome I find *that* life. Ya well..whatever!

Life as I live it, like most of you is a tough cookie to break or eat or dip. And that’s why ‘we wish’. I wish it was not so, I wish I had taken that job, I wish I had not insulted him, I wish I had helped that old man cross the road a while back, I wish my toes were not disfigured, I wish I had started working out years back, I wish I had asked her/him out for a date, I wish he /she was not my friend, etc. etc. I can relate to only the ‘toes’ one, all others are not related to me..or do they!?! *my toes are really disfigured* primarily because I’ve had minor surgeries done on both my toes. But that’s a different story altogether.

Dedicating Cat Stevens' 'Here comes my baby' to all who worry a lot (count me in). Though it has NO inspiring lyrics..its just a happy-go-lucky number.

Also, I shall try to blog regularly now. I do have a few unpublished blogs..which shall remain so atleast for some time to come.

Music. Peace.

..and then I blog again!

After a long hiatus from ‘this’ blog (well..actually the reason was you see I am getting paid for writing another blog, a rather serious one – read:boring;) I thought lets get back to this one. Last few months have been exciting. Purely from professional point of view and personally as well actually! Just in September, when I thought to resign from my job then..it took me four months to FINALLY put in my papers and man..was it fun(ny)! I decided to quit and in what I would not call ‘a weird co-incident’ my boss asked me the same day whether I was planning to leave? And he asked it to me out of nowhere. Never before he had asked me this but that day was special. And I thought, either this makes my job very easy OR very tough. FTW..i thought, lets choose ‘easy’. He sat with me for 3 hours ‘counseling’ me that I was making a wrong career movie. He’d kill me for this now but, in my head at that point of time, I was thinking of the 10 days ‘leisure’ leave that was going to start from the very next day! We ended our meeting. He thought he had won the battle. I let him think so. Two days later, called him to up to say “I have decided..I am leaving”. Spent my next 8 days having a good time and then the next one month after that..er..hmm..lets say working. I have realized the ‘notice period’ teaches you a lot. Shows the true colour of a boss. Boss, I am not saying anything..good or bad. So please don’t assume anything. Am listening to Danzig right now..so all kind of devil thoughts are coming to my head. Control. Control.

New place..New colleagues (some old..quite literally) so far so good.

Personally, many friends have gone places in search of good money..good life. The ones wo are here have their own set of things. One buys cars like Gillette Mach 3. Every 2 months. One is getting fatter by the day..not months. Hope he does something. Another one’s engagement got annulled in the courtship period. Good for him though. One left his plush job to start something on his own and boy he did! Another one got a cool jump financially. One left banking and joined advertising, taking a severe pay-cut! How ironic. One is always unhappy in the foreign lands, which I’ll never be able to understand why. Another one is content in a faraway part of the country which frankly speaking seems as faraway as North pole. One got married but is living away from his wife, for career reasons. One left a plush job here to go to a first world country which was severely affected by The Recession. Now he works in a grocery store. Things people do to make a career and earn monies. Another one is moving from one country to another, literally, I don’t know in search of what. I’ll assume – good career. Building a career has taken so much importance. Life ke pressure, I tell you.
Another important transition has been from people going from bachelorhood to getting married to having kids!

And where do I stand in all this? Well, I have had my share of hardships in every way possible..or may be not. I’ve learnt to enjoy each small happiness. To never miss anything big or small. I completely believe that life is a game of averages. Good-Bad will always be finally equal. If something bad has happened, good is just round the corner (love this strange phrase: ‘round the corner’) Karma my friend, believe in it. Keep smiling and never look down upon anybody.

As for me, in more materialistic terms, Finally I’ve a well-paying-satisfying job (hungry for more though;) Lovely partner. Brother a rock-star, literally. Mom’s awesome food. Good friends, all of the above plus many more. May God continue in helping me power to get: More books to read. More DVDs to watch. More tweeting to do. More beer to drink. More music to listen to. So much to do..so little..blah blah…

Twitter vs Blogging

ok..FYI, I am not absessed with Twitter.

Twitter is quick: And that’s why its called micro-blogging. Contrast this with writing a long post. I'm not saying posting is better than tweeting. But tweeting is quicker than posting. There's just a "send" button and no "publish" button. You get what I mean.Twitter is always on: Thanks mainly to my mobile phone, which is always on and with me wherever I go. I've not tried writing a blog post on my cell phone and I won't. Its too tedious.

Twitter is an ego trip: See the words "follow", "follower" and "following". And then the words "post", "comment". 50 comments on your blog-post or 50 new followers in a few days? Go figure. Its less about WHO is following you but more about HOW MANY.

Twitter is everywhere: Turn your TV on, go to CNN or BBC or even NDTV off-late. Every news-personality from Anderson Cooper to Larry King to Sanjay Gupta to Richard Quest to Nik Gowing to Vir Sanghvi to Barkha Dutt to Sardesai..all are there. And these people don’t just tweet about What they had for breakfast but also their opinion on various issues, feedback or just informative chatting with the junta following them. Its just going to get big. Blogging in that sense is not that interactive, its not real-time, Twitter is.

Twitter is voyeuristic: I just have to know what you're doing OR just have to tell you what I am doing. Digging your nose, sitting on a bus, having a miserable day, angry, happy, joy, sad. What is about our mundane lives that makes others more excited than us? Who knows. But go write a blog post that talks about what you did from morning to night. And then write 10 tweets over 10 hours. Do it & then tell me.

Twitter is a conversation: A blog post is a monologue, I am talking to myself and then followed by some more monologues in the form of comments.Twitter is a pure conversation. It happens by the minute and there is no waiting for a response. I've had long tweet debates over F1, music, films, terrorism, Conan Brian, nail-clippers, etcetera. It's the closest one can get to a real life conversation.

Twitter is about useless and sometimes useful things to share: From digging your nose on a toilet seat TO asking questions to Vikram Chandra, real-time while he hosts The Big Fight, Twitter does it all. From a one line movie review to sharing an informative link to just give an opinion to complete strangers or Shashi Tharoor, etc..alls possible on Twitter. Not on a blog post.

I don't know whether I like sharing or I just get a kick out of people staring at my life. Its addictive & fun.It's not that I'm obsessed with Twitter or that I'm bored with blogging. It's just that off-late whatever I've been thinking/doing has been expressed better in a few seconds and in a few words. Here you have to shrink everything in just few words. All your emotions, your feelings, that boring life of yours, everything. Am not saying Twitter is better than a blog-post cos’ there is a joy in writing a blog that no 140 character Tweet can replace. If Twitter shrinks your words, it shrinks your span of attention too. I will always love to blog. Personally, I don’t have most of my facebook friends on Twitter but its just the addictive fun..satisfaction I get by tweeting.

I write this on a very early Sunday morning..some might call it a very late Saturday night too. It dark outside though.

I like home. In fact I love home. And its not that I don’t like travelling. Many a times, on certain days depending on how my day is going/how my day was, I tend to travel places accordingly. Since I drive to office on my bike, I wander to many places from home to office. Sometimes its via the magnificent Machu Picchu..of course Che Guevara gives me company. Sometimes its via the sunny Spain or just yesterday..I came via the streets of Istanbul. Quite a few times I’ve also taken the Antarctica to Venice. Its simply amazing.

I take bumper to bumper traffic everyday and believe me, swimming at Baga or Bondi everyday is way better than paying attention to the honking around you. And the best time is when I wait at traffic signals. Just the other day, Linkin Park gave me a live performance in a Tibet Ashram with the Dalai Lama putting in some requests too!

I am not some kind of a ‘stay at home’ kinds. But its just ‘where to go’ issue that bother me, almost every year. The problem lies in the selection of a place to visit. I thought of Switzerland, but Mr.Advani’s comments on the Swiss bank accounts controversy has made that place a bit unfriendly! Then I thought of London but hey, who wants to go to a place which is more Indian than India itself..which has chicken tikka as its national dish and whose chefs cook more Indian food then consumed in India!

France (for wine) & Scotland (for scotch) were next line but then again..nearer home, Nasik & local bootlegger, respectively are an answer. And at a much much cheaper price. I almost finalized Greenland until I came to know that the natives there eat whale meat for breakfast, lunch, dinner and in betweens..! Malaysia, Thailand & Indonesia were on radar too but even Mr.Galgotia has been there and besides there is no point going to a place everyone knows about and about which you cant even talk about. Also, Thailand, I hear is going thru some real bad times..politically. Mexico? Hong Kong? Swine flu. Dubai is even worse in day-time temperatures. Srilanka..well don’t know who might greet me there on the airport- regular people or LTTE..am not going there dude.

With IPL going on in South Africa, I might just bump into a friend whom I’ve been ignoring for long. Half of India is there. And with films like Da Vinci Code & Lord of the Rings..Paris & New Zealand have already been covered by me..very very thoroughly. Australia..have you seen the recent movie by the same name? One would start hating the country after watching the movie. Just like I did. USA? Tell me what would I do if United Airlines files for bankruptcy while I am in mid-air?

Pakistan? Afghanistan? Iraq? These places might be a good idea cos the pictures that I click at these places would be a collector’s item in a few years..who knows I might just become a millionaire then, just auctioning those photographs. PHEW..!!!

Finally, I decided to stay at home..call up friends..have a great time just hanging out together..eating mom-cooked delicacies and learn some cooking myself. Or maybe a visit to Bombay during one of those weekends.

..Randoms..

Sunday..a day with many colours, atleast in my life. 2yrs back, same Sundays would be boring because:
Saturday used to be a chutti too, making Sunday boring, weirdly for me. But then that was some time yaar. My friends would say, “Pankaj, you’ve the world’s best job. Media, Five day working and Two days ash”. Today, its six days working and some or the other ‘official’ work on Sundays too, sometimes. I was so afraid of becoming a workaholic and aaj I am one..n believe me its not my choice, but the times are such. I am writing this in February 2009, when the so called Global recession was/is at its peak and at its peaker in the organisation I work/worked with. Its gloom all around. Everybody I talk to is either directly affected* by it OR knows someone who has been affected by it OR is afraid that it might affect him/her. And the sad part is that it is also the case with people they know or speak to!
*laid-off/lay-off


2009, they say is going to be a bad year for the world. Each passing day in O-nine is a blessing. The other day I was reading the newspaper and I remember clearly, there were 16 different news items on the same page. 9 of them were about employees being laid off, 3 were about companies posting huge losses, 2 were about companies planning to lay-off their employees. I didn’t bother to read the other 2.
रामजी करो बेडा पार ..is what I've been singing these days..!

Last one week I had were full of depression, literally. I’d never been this negative and some people tell it doesn’t suit me too. That is so true. I hate myself like that. I had become cranky, moody and everything but a smiley. So now here I am, writing this, without giving a damn about the recession shitpot thingie! *touchwood* ;)

Dev-D, that’s one movie that forced me to come out any gloomy mood. I loved the movie, although I watched it on insistence. Especially if you get into the movie-hall after 2 pegs, DEV-D WILL BE A DIFFERENT MOVIE ALTOGETHER – TRUST ME. Its soundtrack, the lyrics, all have so much meaning. You should hear the uncensored version of Emosional Atyaachar. One cant help but love it after an initial shock!

The other day I got up and suddenly it struck me that I had to go to/have work :
@ i got a call from my brother’s school principle..oops..principal, asking me to come and meet her.
@ my insurance agent is/was after me like a stalker.
@ the credit card guys were another group of stalkers.
@ the pension office
@ the RTO for my driving licence
@ the bank
@ my office was always there over my head.

Nothing new, everybody goes thru days like these but I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to do all the work @ the same time, which in the end, remain unfinished, most of them.

The principal wanted to meet me cos, my brother is the Discipline Incharge of the school and apparently he got ‘less’ marks in the mid-terms. She said “Look Mr.Pankaj, there are two kinds of materials, Good & Bad. Bad material deserves a waste-basket and so it is always thrown there. Good material deserves applause and encouragement. Sarthak (my brother) is the third kind , definitely not the bad kinds, but a good kind going towards the waste-basket! His guitar playing skills are good and we all encourage him but it’d be better if its kept as a hobby, atleast for the time being.”
I was confused whether to be proud of him or otherwise. The way I see the world today, I always want him to get into something hatke. Although I’ve taken the Princi’s advice seriously.

They say first six months of a ‘being in love’ / relationship are always wonderful and beautiful and that every occasion: Her birthday, His birthday & Valentine’s day should all come in the first six months, cos then in the next year it all becomes ‘by the way’ kinds. Lets see!

I’ve been experiencing so many changes in my life these days. Achanak se, two close friends are hooked up in marriage, one has moved abroad, my job is nerve-wrecking. Not getting to drink even occasionally. She doesn’t live with me. They don’t sell pirated DVDs anymore. Dhobi spoiling my trousers. Badminton has ceased to exist. Social networking sites seem boring now. The world has become an expensive place. Insomnia has got Insomnier. Crap all around.
See..am getting towards the negatives again. STOP! But except the dhobi thing, everything else will be back again / better again. AM SURE ABOUT IT.

One thing that has always kept me going temporarily are text messages. From my current phone, I’ve sent more than 30,000 @ an average of 50 texts a day. It gives my instant happiness sending texts, whether it’s a forward or a Hi.

…after two days’ break..

I saw myself in the mirror today and smiled…cold again…smiled again…noticed my hair…they are this long after a gap of 3yrs. Noticed my physique - couldn’t figure out whether its skinny or lean. I’d say lean though. My eyes - too cunning, she says. My nose – quite big, some say. My height – hmmm tall, all say. My toes – disfigured, I say.

During my graduation days, my friends used to tease me for a gay..Reason being I had quite a few gay friends. My current friends tease me for a bi-sexual. Reason being, during one drunken escapades, I allegedly ‘confessed’ of being one. The funny part is I dint/don’t have a problem being teased as any. Reason being, I know when my hormones get active and definitely not when I see a hot guy…I mean a guy. I am absolutely straight and not drunk right now.

Whoever meets my mum these days, be it old family friends OR extended familywallas OR parents of ‘my friends getting married’ .. . All they want to know is “When is Pankaj getting married?” Its like they are more tensed about my marriage than my mum is. And then my mum asks me the same Q. After trying out a lot of answers to that Q..after a lot of trial & error, I’ve come up with a master reply- “Why don’t you tell them ke Pankaj already has a boyfriend & a girlfriend and that he is taking his time in deciding..whether to go ahead with him or her...!”
Used it only once and I was never asked that Q again.

Joey – “JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!”
Ross - :O
Chandler – “Sharing under wears is okay…is it then…?”
Rachel – “naaaah..Joey doesn’t share underwear..Do you..Joeyyy..?”
Monica – “O my God..Joey, are you wearing two under wears right now…and is one of them pink..?”
Phoebe – “Joey..whose underwear did I give you this morning when you came asking for one..in a towel..!!!”

Friends – I cant live without them. The above one as well as the real ones I have.

Mistakes – I’ve made many of them. Learnt from a few but not from all. Personally & Professionally.
Apologies – I am so liberal in offering them.
Anger – huh..?
Crush – never had many.
Love – hmm..Lovely!

Dancing is something I love. Its not a visual delight though! I’ve been at receiving end of a lot of comments. One of the many I remember quite clearly is “Pankaj..u can be the world’s # 1..Baarat mein naachney wala dancer. You can dance only in a baraat.”
I agree though. Thank God am born in India!!!


Sing as if no one is listening
Dance as if no one is watching
Love as if you’ve never loved before
Live as if heaven is here on earth

BLOODY HELL..!!!

Bloody Hell..!!!

Only this is how I can react to what has been going on in Mumbai city. I get angry every time such an attack takes place anywhere. But this time, its BAD. I guess, cos’ its on for 24 hrs. 30-40 terrorists storming the city on a normal-going day. How worse can it get? Probably this is the question most people are asking. Well, the problem is.. IT GOT WORSE.
So called terrorists, most of them in their teens and the average age being just 22-23yrs attacked Café Leopold (one of my most loved joints) and killed people indiscriminately. Then Victoria Terminus, Taj Hotel, Oberoi Hotel and not to forget..firing in ‘bits n pieces’ all across South Mumbai.

All this, as the modus-operandi shows is not possible without the logistical and training support from across the border..d country we know a Pakistan. The extremists apparently had AK-56 assault rifles, hand-grenades, dry-fruits and protein bars at their disposal, clearly showing that they came with keeping the ‘hostage situation’ in mind. Then these killer-kids spread across the heart of Mumbai. Obviously the targets were planned with particularly keeping foreign nations in mind. The puzzling part is that these bastards had done a recce of the locations, earlier already. The reason for this, I suppose was to inculcate a ‘Fear Psychosis’ not only within the country but across the world and sadly, they’ve done that. They wanted to hit India where it hurts the most-Mumbai and that too, to weaken its knees especially when India, economic growth-wise is doing great and is setting its footprints across the globe.

Some say, how much would our intelligence agencies take care of, as India has such long coastlines, such big cities and so many countries with which we share our border with. Well, still, I feel it’s a clear case of intelligence failure. Such attacks may be common in Kashmir but MUMBAI..!!!! It’s a clear message that they can target anywhere and anytime. Even in 1993 Mumbai blasts the terrorists and ammunitions came in from a port/dock far away from Mumbai but this time, bloody hell, this time they park themselves easily at the Gateway of India and storm in the city! Now who is to blame for this? The Indian Bureaucratic System, may be. Why are countries like China, Thailand and the list can be endless..targeted. Even the Government of US, which was attacked of what the world calls ‘The 9/11’..had after that particular incident gathered themselves and see what happened. No attack on their soil since then. Not even a ’minor’ one. Does God rule that country? Is GW Bush some kind of a super-human? No. Look at Spain, after the infamous Madrid Train blasts earlier in this decade. That was it; nothing after that.

Why India..year after year or rather days after days. The problem is our politicians. After such attacks, these fuckers either ‘announce compensations for the poor victims’ OR ‘offer condolences for the victims’. Fucking ass-no-holes of the worst kind. Worse than terrorists. Name any Indian city which has not been spared by these extremists. NONE. We’ve people like Mr.Raj Thackeray & Co. who do their jobs while terrorists are not attacking us! Don’t be surprised if this Raj guy starts protesting against why the Government is taking the help of North Indian commandoes to save Mumbai from terrorists. By the way, where is his mice-gang..not out in the city protecting the Marathi Manoos. What makes me angry is Mr.Shivaj Patil, our Union Home Minster, always overtly calm, not doing his job and rather passing statements like “Agar Soniaji kahengi toh I’ll resign”. Mr.Patil, I am just an ordinary citizen and even I know that YOU are supposed to report to or do what the Prime Minister says and not what the Soniaji says.

Everybody talks about the ‘Spirit of Mumbai’ on camera. And I personally hate this phrase now. Its been used every time something of this sort happens and Bloody Hell, what else do people of this country do but to gather themselves from pieces and start life again the next morning. Do we’ve a choice? We pay our taxes regularly, the money with which these bastard politicians live their lavish lives. Citizens of Mumbai pay the highest amount of tax in the country..FOR THIS??? We’ve to depend on the ruling government be safe..sadly. What upsets me the most is in such cases, I personally/physically can’t do anything. Except may be write this blog!
And while I write this and while your read this, the constant fear of WHERE NEXT is always lurking in our minds. If this same attack (Mumbai 26/11) was carried out in lets say, Guwahati, then we would not’ve been looking at it the same way as we are, in case of Mumbai. And more so because it’s the Taj Mahal Hotel, The Oberoi Trident, Leopold Café (love u)..basically South Mumbai..THE SOUTH MUMBAI. What if they had attacked on a Saturday or Sunday night. I am so sure they’d have got hold of handful of ‘Celebrities we adore’ which would’ve made this much more of an attention grabber. Not that I am not hurt with innocent people dying/dead. Its all so scary.

Gone are the days of fairytales. Gone are the days of sweet ear-pleasing talks. It was always the time to face the truth. This Mumbai-26/11, this utterly sad incident has asked us to take the issue of urban terrorism very very seriously. One thing what India did and was well appreciated was that we did not negotiate with these killer-kids from Pakistan. Like the way we did in Kandahar hijack episode (IC814) and released Maulana Mashood Azhar- who went on to form the dangerous Jaish-e-Mohammad terrorist outfit; Omar Sheikh who later went to kill US journo Daniel Pearl and Mushtaq Ahmed Zargar. India needs to keep this stance in order to give a clear message to the so called destructors of peace.

We Indians are so used to such acts of terror, which in a way is not healthy at all. With hand on heart, ask yourself, when was the last time you took a terrorist attack so seriously as a citizen. Terrorists strike almost every week in Kashmir, Eastern states of India but do we bother to care? Does media bother to highlight the way it is doing now? We don’t even bother to bloody care if 10-20 innocent lives are lost. We, as Indians have this ‘chalta hai’ attitude built into our system. We tend to take terrorist attacks the same way we dump kachra on the road OR spit/piss anywhere. As an Indian citizen, even who is not living in Mumbai, it makes me feel my country is being raped, repeatedly..again..n again..n again..

GOD HELP US!